TECH PEEPS

There are two things that my brain is too lazy to bother with: NUMBERS and TECH STUFF.

Throw a series of numerals at me and my cerebrum shuts down and reboots itself. If Mathematics was a relationship, it would be like dating a high-maintenance metrosexual. It’s just too darn tedious to deal with. My parents and teachers used to think that I just don’t have the aptitude for math because my grades were not too fabulous in that department. Truth be told, I was plainly not interested. It’s like Brad Pitt without the X-factor to me. I could make it work, but then it doesn’t turn me on. I get it, but I don’t see the application of higher mathematics in my life. Further proof is when I decided to like Trigonometry and Calculus to prove to the cynics that I can if I wanted to. And sure enough I got impressive grades but then after that, “alright, so what now?” I have amnesia attacks worse than those in soap opera plots when I try to recall those subjects. The numbers I choose to understand these days are the numbers in the calendar, clock, phone numbers, license plates, addresses, and anything that has a currency sign before it. I process faster than the speed of light when I analyze my paycheck, pay bills, receive change, or more importantly check the deductions and TAXES (grrrr!). After all, those things go in and out of my wallet, and THAT is serious business to me.

Now when it comes to technical stuff particularly COMPUTER stuff, it’s a different story.

My brain is like Garfield. The world revolves around it and Jon is my slave. It expects to be fed and it likes to make fun of the hand who feds it. And it applies mostly with the computer guys.

I derive eternal satisfaction on bugging the IT people and I don’t mean that in a bad way. Just like the orange tabby cat, it loves its geeky owner in a sadistic sort of way. I like asking them questions that they end up answering for themselves. Hehehe.

It could be because I have a brother who’s a Mathematics/Computer Science Major, who I love pestering to death. He calls me TECHNO-MORON as a term of endearment. His trouble shooting skills with my computer is limited to REFORMATTING ‘cuz he knows how much I collect viruses. I recall him asking/telling me “You could cross a street, right? Your password is in CAPSLOCK, that’s why you could not get in!” He shoots me an evil eye and chuckles. I laugh along as I mentally dig for my IQ at that moment. Love that guy. Unfortunately, he’s migrated to Ice Age Maple Leaf Country, so too bad for the IT population that has to deal with me everyday.

Most of the techies I meet are mild-mannered quiet types. I assume that this is mainly due to the fact that most of them spent more quality time with their beloved “electric dreams” girl/boyfriends indoors than pick fights outside in high school. They tend to be very patient because they have to memorize instructions worse than “How to Make Sushi – in original Japanese texts and format,” and computer codes probably sent by crank-calling aliens from outer space. But most of all, their sense of humor is so wacky maybe because of being confined in a cubicle the size of a shoe box for 8-10 hours a day. Fleeting pictures of padded rooms flash before me when someone tells me he/she is a computer programmer or in some IT-related profession. I mean you must be a little crazy to learn a language based on numbers, weird symbols, acronyms, and lingo like “fatal error, must restart.” It’s like learning to read and write hieroglyphics.

Another thing I like about them is when they converge in one corner and crowd over the latest issue of PC Magazine or other tech mags. They look like a bunch of high schoolers reading porn. (Hahaha!)

For an old school thinker like me (my laptop is a portable typewriter – and that’s not a joke!), tech people are my tour guides in this millennium of AI. I point at the site, they lead me there like good travel agents. Hehehe! The computer is just a vacation spot for my brain. I like interacting with these people because it’s like a close encounter of the third kind. FOR THEM! When I’m too lazy to think and pretend to be a complete dumbass around the computer, they approach you with a We-come-in-peace-Take-me-to-your-leader face. Sometimes when I know I’m so close to their boiling points, I imagine mental images of the Rush Hour scene “Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?!!” going through their minds. I like eavesdropping between IT to IT personnel’s KGB-CIA gibberish and figure out what they are up to. When I mess up my computer, they start scratching their heads like they have severe fungal infection. They call for back-up and operate on the thing like it’s triple coronary artery bypass graft surgery.

My fondest moment is when my boss, an IT guy, set-up my computer in the office. I have no idea what he installed in my CPU and I honestly don’t care. As long as I can type, play my MP3s and games, send info to our FTP, and surf, I’m happy. Before I took the CPU home, he tried to explain to me several maintenance stuff I should remember doing. I tried to note the essentials, but half of my brain was in a beach somewhere sipping Margaritas.

When I got home, I just opened every single thing in the program bar and figured out what these things are for. There was one maintenance program I came across, which I recall my boss lectured that after a week of surfing I should use to remove unnecessary data that accumulated so as to free up disk space. I surfed ‘til 3 AM and after that, decided to use the program. Trying to work it, I just clicked the buttons which I think made sense and watched it do its thing. To be sure though, when I got the message “You are about to delete all, are you sure?” I text-messaged my boss, told him what I did, and asked him if I should say “YES” to this message. He knew how decisive I am and how I am about NOT WAITING for a reply. I guess that was the fastest Yahoo Messenger log in I have ever seen because when I was about to click “YES,” a chat screen POPPED screaming “NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!” I was in stitches laughing alone in my room.

The next day when I got to the office, he was chuckling, shaking his head and telling my other IT bosses what I did. They told me, “It took us three days to install those things, and it nearly took a second for your itchy fingers to delete all of it!!” Then he proceeds to teach me again how to save me from myself.

PS: I would like to propose of a new version of Charades using computer terms. I’d like to see how the heck these guys will do “PAUSE/BREAK,” “SCROLL LOCK,” “DNS ERROR #,” “F5,”and “JAVA SCRIPT.” I think that would be an interesting Christmas party game.